Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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