I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
