Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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