They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
