So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
