rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
