her facebook's as public as her vagina
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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