I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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