I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize