I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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