At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
