Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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