omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Liz is crying about burritos again.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need to sanitize my soul.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
