I think i peed on brittanys purse
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize