i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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