My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
