She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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