All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
