I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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