it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
