First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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