sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
