you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
