I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
