I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
