We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
