god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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