i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
