dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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