I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
