My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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