im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
