she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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