Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
