i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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