Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just pee around me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
