I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize