my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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