i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize