He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
