I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
