LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
