he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize