i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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