I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
