So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
