I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drunk is a universal language darling
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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