No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
