At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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