Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
