Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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