Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
