weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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