He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
