You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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