if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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