cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
