so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
