I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
