just come out here and I will go home with you...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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