Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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