how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
